Still Human jh-2 Read online

  I pick up my keys and cell and say bye to Charlie on my way out, still feeling off balance because something I can’t put my finger on feels different and Charlie seems cagey. Turning left onto the sidewalk, I begin the ten-minute walk I do every day, to the place where I belong. I feel more nervous today though, because Liv knows I’m here. My guess is, she will stay out of the way and I will just have to wait, like before. I consider texting her, but I promised her I'd lay off and I remember the advice of both Max and Jen. Wait, they both told me. Let her come to you.

  I push open the door to the bar and breeze through to the back, completely at home now. I pass the bar and call out “Hey” to the guys. Toby stands closest to me and gives me a nervous look as I pass. Just as I’m wondering why, something catches my eye in the corner opposite the bar. I turn and see Liv sitting on the sofa, her leg propped up, watching me intently. I stop in my tracks and stare at her. She doesn’t look the same as she did last night. She looks stronger. Her arms are folded across her chest, not in an angry, bossy way, but more for comfort. A half-empty glass of something sits on the table beside her cell and she just stares.

  I don’t know what to do for the best, my easy feeling has evaporated and rather than being completely at home, I feel like an unwelcome intruder. Having said that, she knows I’m here. Max must have told her when I was due in, so perhaps she wants to see me. I curl one side of my mouth in a shy smile. Her lips press together, an acknowledgement of my expression, but obviously she isn’t in a smiley place just yet. Should I go over? I can hardly not.

  I cautiously walk towards her and when I reach her she nods to the other sofa. I sit on the edge of the seat and eye her speculatively.

  “I thought you weren’t going to show,” she says tentatively.

  I frown. “You need me here, as if I wouldn’t show up.” I say defensively. “I won’t let you down again, Liv. I’m here to show you that.”

  She looks confused. “Didn’t you get my message?”

  “Message?” I ask, reaching into my pants pocket for my cell. I flip it over and unlock the screen. There’s a text from Liv. Fuck. I open it. Fuck, fuck! I call and I beg and I wait, then when she finally does contact me, I’m fucking sleeping. Shit!

  ‘Can we talk? I’ll be in the bar if you have time. Liv’

  “Shit. Sorry, I was sleeping.”

  “I know, I saw,” she says, cool and calm.

  “Saw?”

  She nods. “I came back with Max, but you were asleep.”

  “You wanted to see me?”

  She nods again. We have totally lost our flow when it comes to conversation.

  “Why didn’t you wake me?”

  She thinks for a moment and shrugs. “I didn’t feel like it was my place.” Her expression is sad.

  “What? Of course it’s your place,” I bark, then I realise that sounded a little more aggressive than I intended. “Christ Liv, why would you think that?” I put my face in my hands then look back up at her. I shouldn’t be taking this out on her, I’m just disappointed at the opportunity I missed while I was asleep. “So you came over to talk to me and saw I was asleep and just left?”

  “I sat for a while,” she says with an unaffected tone.

  “You sat?” Jesus, this just goes from bad to worse!

  “Well I’m a little unsteady on my feet at the moment.” She scoffs. “I had to sit.”

  “Where?’ I ask. Mystified at how this could have happened, I’ve hardly slept for weeks and she sits beside me the one time I manage some deep, unbroken sleep. The world is a cruel, cruel place.

  “On your chair.”

  I sigh. “I don’t believe it,” I say shaking my head. “Wake me next time for heaven’s sake.”

  “You looked like you needed the rest,” she says with something bordering on fondness. Her guard is still very much up though.

  “I haven’t been sleeping that well and I’m keeping terrible hours. Still, I’m surprised I didn’t hear you.”

  “I was quiet…It was refreshing to see you and not hear you. It gave me time to think.” Ouch! I guess I’ve been hounding her.

  “How long did you sit?” I ask, resigned now that I screwed up an opportunity.

  “Half an hour, or so,” she says, as if it’s nothing. I was with her for half an hour, her choice and I wasn’t awake. That sucks! I’m suddenly buoyed by this revelation though.

  A) She came to see me.

  B) She watched me sleep for half an hour.

  And…

  C) She text me asking to meet.

  I may be disappointed that I missed her being in my room, but these are all good things that have happened.

  “You watched me sleep?”

  She reluctantly nods…YES!! This is perfect, you don’t watch someone you hate, sleep!

  I steel myself, I must not appear smug now, I’ll blow all my chances, but I feel great. No wonder the air had changed when I woke up. Liv was there, watching me sleep. Blowing out a long sigh and trying to save face, I focus on the injustice.

  “It’s not fair.” I huff.

  She furrows her brow. “Not fair?”

  “There have been plenty of opportunities where I could have watched you sleep.” I pout. “But I wouldn’t take advantage of you being medicated.”

  She laughs. “Well you weren’t medicated and besides you have taken advantage of me being in this state.” She points angrily at her leg.

  “How?”

  “You always called when I was at my weakest. Max was giving you the inside track. I’ve been well and truly played,” she spits.

  We stop trading barbs for a moment. This is exhausting.

  “So what did you want to see me about?” I attempt to steer us onto a more productive path.

  She laughs and shakes her head, raising her eyes to the ceiling. “Oh, you know, I wanted your opinion on some wallpaper samples…What do you think?” That’s the first time she has really laughed since I can’t remember when. It was pure sarcasm, but my God it’s good to hear.

  “You want to talk?” I almost whisper. My fragile state betrayed by my voice. She nods. I look down at my hands. “Good talk, or bad talk?” I know I sound pathetic.

  She sighs and, instinctively I look up at her. “I want to hear it all. Start to finish, while I’m looking in your eyes. It’s the only way I’ll ever be sure.”

  “That you believe me?” I ask daring to presume this is what she means.

  “We will see won’t we?” Her tone is cold, but her gaze intense.

  “So when do you want to do this?” I ask, thinking we would schedule some time.

  “No time like the present.” She shrugs.

  “But…” I stutter, gesturing towards the bar. “I’m working tonight.”

  “It’s not even five, you have time.”

  I was going to grab some food, but suddenly I’ve lost my appetite. “Okay, but not here.” I look over my shoulder at the guys at the bar. “Can we go upstairs?”

  “Yeah, I don’t want to cry down here.” She begins to shuffle herself to standing. Cry?…oh God! I know I can make this right, but I keep forgetting that she’ll have to go to hell and back first. Once she is up, I feel I should help her in some way. It’s so strange, I’ve been going through this as if I’ve been with her the whole time. I know every detail, every appointment, the cans and cant’s. I know the physiotherapy exercises she has to do every day. But I haven’t actually been near her, or tried to help her. I don’t know how much help she even needs and now is not the time to get it wrong.

  “Can I do anything?” I ask.

  “No, I’ve got it. Can you bring my drink?” So, I pick up her glass and follow her out the back door, across the garden and watch while she puts the code into her door and wrestles it open, all without ever putting her foot to the ground. And that bandage looks really heavy. Ever the control freak. She hands me her crutches without a word and turns to sit on the first stair. Then she starts hoisting herself nimbly up e
ach step.

  “Shall I just carry you?” I ask before I think.

  She shoots me a disgusted look. “God no! It’s humiliating enough that you have to see me do it this way.” Then she continues in silence, leaving me feeling terrible for humiliating her further. “I can do it you know… standing up.” She’s seething. I try not to watch her, I don’t want her to feel worse. She continues her rant. “Mum’s stairs were no problem, it’s just these. They’re really steep.”

  “Sorry,” I whisper. She ignores me. After an excruciating couple of minutes she is on the top step. She holds out her hand for her crutches and uses them to hop up the last step. Once we are in I relax. I set her drink down on the table and wait while she settles in.

  “Alright,” she says as I sit in the armchair, “let’s hear it.” She looks at me with pleading eyes. Pleading me not to hurt her further. I can do that.

  Chapter Nine

  Danny

  It’s not for nothing Liv, why can’t you see that?

  “But you never showed up.” I shrug, looking to Liv, as I finish recounting what turned out to be one of the worst nights of my life. “Then I found all your stuff had gone.” I look away from her intense stare, fearing the emotions would consume me. “I was crushed.” I swallow hard. Nothing will hold these feelings from the surface and I half laugh as I wipe the tears from my face. “Sorry.”

  I watch her, she too wipes a tear away but doesn’t speak.

  “I knew I’d lost you, I just misunderstood the reason why.” I sniff. “I never would have waited if I knew it was Brooke. I would have chased you.”

  “So why did you think I left?” She croaks.

  I shake my head. “Stupid insecurities,” I say, hoping she won’t probe any further. I’m not ready to talk about it, not with her.

  She sighs. I wait for her to give some kind of verdict, she is impossible to read at times.

  “I’m going to need more than that Danny. Whatever it is you thought I'd done was enough for you to wash your hands of me. I think I deserve to know what it is.” Her eyes are hard with determination.

  I roll my head, my muscles are so tense from the stress. I need to word this in such a way that she doesn’t find out about the ring. She will never know about that, not until the day I finally give it to her and today is not that day. “I thought you left because you freaked out about our future.”

  She tilts her head, trying to understand. She waits for more.

  “I thought you realised that we were about to start a life together and you got scared. I thought you just ran. I thought you didn’t love me.”

  “What did I do to make you think that?” She sounds exasperated.

  “You ran with no explanation. I guess it’s a deep-rooted fear of mine.” I shrug. “It’s not rational, but how it ended with us before...it left me very insecure.”

  She shakes her head. “Apparently how it ended with us before didn’t go how either of us wanted.” She raises her eyebrows expectantly. “But it’s the past. I want to talk about this, now.” She points back and forth between us.

  Hope swells inside me, she is talking like there is still an us.

  “There is only something to talk about if you believe me,” I say quietly. Laying it bare. This is the moment that it could all end. “Do you?” I whisper.

  Her face changes. The hardness fades and whatever comes out of her mouth next is unimportant because her expression has just told me everything I need to know. We are going to be okay.

  “Danny, I can’t just go back to trusting you, even if I do believe your story. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “That’s not what I asked,” I say quickly. “Trust has to be earned, I know that. But do you believe me?”

  Slowly, without taking her eyes off mine, she begins to nod her head. Every hair on my body stands on end and I feel the wave of relief surge over me. I drop my face into my hands and sigh. It’s a sense of comfort that I thought may never return. A single tear rolls down my face. I swipe it away as I return my eyes to hers. “Thank you,” I whisper. Then I smile as my body relaxes. “If you believe me, it will be okay.”

  She hardens up again. “No, it won’t Danny, I can’t trust you.”

  “Yes, you can, Liv, I’ll show you.” I smile not convinced by her hard exterior.

  “How?”

  “Don’t worry about it, it will take time, but I’m in for the long-haul.” I carefully lean forward until I could reach out and touch her, but I hold off. She stays put. “I will earn your trust back and we will be okay. I just want you to know that. I just need to know one thing.” I reach across and touch her knee. “Do you still love me?”

  She twists her fingers together and closes her eyes. When she opens them again, they burn straight into mine. She nods resolutely. She can’t say the words, but I will take it. I smile as my tears start to fall.

  I slide off my chair, drop to my knees in front of her and clasp both of her hands in mine, pressing my forehead against them as they rest in her lap. Briefly, I allow the emotion to overtake me. As a sob shakes my body, I feel her fingers slide into my hair. It’s just comfort, nothing else, but it shows she cares. I didn’t think I would ever feel her touch again. It’s too much to take. I snap my head up and pull back. I want her, I want to be with her again, make us close again. But I can’t. We have time to make this right...I want to do it right, not like this. We are both too fragile. I pull myself back into my chair and wipe my face.

  “Sorry,” I murmur.

  She wipes her eyes with a tissue and hands me the box. We both compose ourselves. Minutes pass while we assess each other. I get a hold of myself, watching her for a clue as to what she is thinking.

  “So what now?” she asks, a resigned look on her face. I was right not to take it any further just a minute ago, she's not anywhere near ready.

  “I’ve to go to work,” I say, forcing myself to think of the long-term goal, not some short-term gratification. In truth, I must get out of here before I blow it big time.

  She frowns. “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to. And I kinda do have to, it’s Saturday and they’re going to be so busy. They are all working so hard to compensate for you not being there, I have to help them…I want to help you.”

  She blushes and smiles appreciatively. I feel like I have an opportunity while it’s congenial between us, so I swallow hard and ask.

  “I was going to grab something to eat before I start. Do you want to come down and join me?” I feel sick from the anxiety and emotion of the last hour and eating is the last thing I want to do, but I can’t waste a chance like this and I also can’t work the next eight hours on only the cereal I ate this morning. She hasn’t replied so I look at her hopefully.

  ‘I’m not hungry, but I’ll have a coffee,” she says, with only a slight reluctance. I can’t believe my luck and don’t waste any time offering her a hand standing. I suffer through the rigmarole of her descending the stairs, but think better of offering to help this time. I feel great about how things have gone today, we are definitely on the right track.

  I decide on a sandwich in the hope I can force it down and I give my order to Jake. He raises his eyebrows when he notices my companion and offers me an encouraging smile. I pat his back and laugh, heading out to make the coffees. Max has joined Liv when I get to the coffee machine, they look deep in hushed conversation, so I decide to leave them to it for a moment and glance at my watch. This is the perfect time to call Jen.

  “Danny!” She greets me warmly. “I was just thinking about you.”

  “Cursing me for the mess I’ve left you to clean up, no doubt.” I laugh. “How are you?”

  “I’m good thanks. How are you though?”

  “I’m great, really great!” I tell her with a huge grin. “I just saw her and we talked…she believes me, Jen!”

  “Oh, Danny, that’s fantastic news, I’m so happy for you. You remember to take it slow though.”

  “Don’
t worry, I’m not going to blow it. How are things there?”

  “It’s all done. Scott is over there with your dad now, they're just moving the bed over to his place, it’s the last thing. Your cleaning lady is coming Monday morning and I hand the keys back Monday afternoon. That’s it.”

  “And my stuff?”

  “It went Thursday, should be a couple of weeks. I’ll email you the documents. They'll transfer it to your storage facility when it arrives, they’ll contact you to arrange that. You just have to sign.”

  “I owe you one, Jen. I don’t know how I would have got through this without you.” I smile at the love I feel for my friend. I still hope to be able to repay her one day, but that can’t be my focus right now.

  “Just be happy, Danny, that’s all I want,” she says softly.

  “I know. Thanks.”

  “Did the transfer arrive?”

  “I don’t know, I’ve had a full-on couple of days, I didn’t check. Should it be there?”

  “Yes, yesterday. You should check on that, it’s a lot of money.”

  “Yes, Mom! I’m sure it’s fine.” I laugh. “Will you thank Dad for me, he drives a hard bargain. Tell him I’ll call him soon.”

  “I will. He has listed the truck, but that might take a while to sell.”

  “I don’t care about that, whenever is fine.” I say, glancing back towards the diner door. “Listen Jen, I should go, Liv is waiting for me.”

  “Go then! What are you doing talking to me?” She laughs. “Love you.”

  “Love you too.” I smile as the line goes dead. It’s all falling into place I think as I sit staring into space. Shit, Liv! I jump up and head in.